Voices of the Lost
by DaisukeAizawa
Summary: New summary Suguru's life of unfortunate eventsrnWhose his dad and why does his mother hate her brother? ohhh stupid summary! Contains Yaoi hints
1. A Glimpse to how all this Misery Began

(A/N this little part right here is a flashback)

"I think you are lost. You are aren't you?"

"Who does he talk to in there momma?" "I don't know sweetie. How long has it been this time?" "To long for me…..Oni-chan promised me that he would teach my piano later today then started in with this."

"Why do you come here to haunt me? You always come around the same time…. You are like clockwork" a small hand brushed through sun kissed locks. "Why must you always make fun of me?…….Fine! I will."

"What happened?"

a loud crashing sound resonated through the house…..the blonde boy stormed out of his room. "Mom! I'm leaving for a bit." His voice rang out angrily.

"Oni-chan…..I wanted to spend time with you."

"Next time you little twerp"

Bright aqua eyes peer out from under dark red bangs. "Ten years and you still haunt me why? I've done everything that you wished of me. Still you come and taunt me telling me that I am weak. How do you get off telling me that."

_Cause you are weak._

"No I'm not! I've done everything you wanted me to do….dyed my hair….gave up on those relationships…...my family, they aren't even around me anymore…..Thanks to you!" the red head sneered head in his hands. _I didn't force your family to leave you…. You did. _He had just about had enough of this now. Looking up to peer around his broken life, photos in broken frames of smiling happy people, some charred from fire others waterlogged. Ruined in any case.

The room is dark no light shines through the heavily curtained windows. "I'm twenty-six years old……"

"Suguru hunny can you please come here?"

"mom? What is it you shouldn't be up and around."

"I know sweetie but I must tell you something……when I leave."

Suguru shook his head "you are not leaving yet mom, the doctors said that you will make it through Christmas…..that's three months away…..momma you're going to be fine for now…"

Suguru's mom smiled up at her 11 year old son….

**Flashback**

"Miss. Fujisaki." The doctor came into the curtain area of the emergency room. A small girl possibly in her early teens sat on an uncomfortable hospital bed.

"yes?" she questioned fearing every word that was going to be coming out of that doctors mouth.

"Do you know what today's date is?"  
Miss. Fujisaki nodded wondering what this had to do with anything. "It's the 24th of November, my brother's birthday….." the doctor smiled.

"yes, do you remember anything that happened today?"

Miss. Fujisaki thought for a moment before slowly shaking her head 'no' and casting her eyes towards the white sheets. "Miss. Fujisaki , you where brought here with a major head trauma, that's why you can not remember much of anything. After thoroughly assessing your case one of the nurses noticed some unusual markings on your thighs and midsection. We ran some tests and they came back positive for rape. Miss. Now you should have some other tests to rule out any sexually transmitted diseases. Is there anyone we should call like your parents?"

"No they aren't in town this week."

"Miss. How old are you?"

"12…..but I'll be 13 in a month."

"What about your brother?"

"He's 16 today….I wouldn't call him right now since it is his birthday….can we wait till tomorrow? I can't die from this within the next 5 hours right? We should call him then."

"Alright, it's kinda frowned upon here but since it is his birthday and as far as we know you are not in any real danger here. But we will know more when we take those other tests…..So could we please?"

Miss. Fugisaki shrugged "Sure"

**four hours later**

"Fujisaki-chan!" with the shift change came a different doctor for her. This doctor was a happy pink haired man in his early twenties. "I brought you some Jello, hope you like the orange kind."

"Yes infact I refuse to eat any other flavor." She smiled at the pink haired hyper ball.

"Good" he smiled sitting down on the foot of her bed opening the Jell-O and digging out a huge spoonful air planing it into her mouth. "I have orders to call your brother in an hour and I still don't know your first name. Or his name."

"My name is Keiko and my brother's name is Tohma. Tohma Seguchi." She said through a Jell-O filled mouth.

"Tohma Seguchi!" the doctor ogled "Your brother is the keyboardist for that garage band that just performed at The Falls. I was there. They rocked!"

"Doc Shu? Can you stop spilling the Jell-O onto the sheets? And don't you have a job to do other than talking to a kid about a Garage band? And what are the results of the tests, scary doc lady never came back with them."

Doc Shu regained his composure and became Doctor Shindou again standing up and turning towards the administrative desk. "Lemme check miss."

**Half an hour later**

"Keiko! What happened? Why didn't you call me sooner?"

Keiko smiled at her brother's worried face. Doc Shu just stared in awe as a "rockstar" was standing right next to him.

"Ummm. Mr. Seguchi your sister was brought in here today with a head trauma, and it was later found out that she had been raped sometime in the last two days. She didn't call you sooner because she wanted you to have a good birthday with your friends."

"Raped?"

Keiko nodded. "Shu, did you find the results from those other tests that the other doctor ordered?"

"Hello Dr. Quinn."

"I watch a lot of medical shows…so tell me do I have Aids?"

Shu gulped at the two sets of eyes that looked at him, Keiko's brother the Tohma Seguchi was sitting on the side of the bed with worried eyes. He' peered down at the chart in front of him, his eyes widening seeing the results.

"WHAT IS IT DAMNIT! " Tohma yelled."

"Oh uh Keiko, ummm looks like whoever raped you had early signs of HIV and you contracted it." Tohma gasped and clutched to his sister, Keiko just stared unbelievingly at Shu. "Also-"

"There's more?" Tohma swallowed hard at the panic in his sister's voice.

"Yeah…….Your pregnant."

**end flashback**

TBC

A/N and disclaimer: Hello it's Daisuke with her first chapter of **Voices of the Lost**. Before I forget and get sued, Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami. This fic will be rated M I guess since it deals with teenage parenthood, death, drugs, strong references to self mutilation (most of these things in later chapters) and somewhere language. This is also an AU and the characters are supposed to be some what out of character (can anyone picture Shuichi as a doc?) There will be no Eiri…Now before you all go out and hunt me down let me just say that I have nothing against Eiri Yuki in fact (you will see that I use that phrase a lot) Yuki is one of my favorite characters he just has no place in this story….But you are now for warned that this will be most likely a Yaoi if you do not like Yaoi I have only one question for you……If you do not like Yaoi why are you reading a _Gravitation _fanfic? I think I have seen two hetrosexual Gravi fanfics and one Yuri. No this is not a TohmaxSuguru fic.

This fic will read strangly at first but it's alright it will make sense hopefully in chapter 3….please review I don't like asking but I have never let anyone read my fanfics before so I don't know how I am doing……flames (why would there be any flames) will be laughed at then a reply will be sent back. Thank you and goodnight! The king has left the building. the street cleaner from Mr. Peabody and Sherman stares out at the empty hall.

Streetcleaner: why am I always alone?


	2. New Beginning

"Suguru, when I leave."

"Momma you'll be fine."

"No I won't be hunny…..But when I leave I want you to be strong."

Suguru sniffled a bit, "where would I go? I don't have a dad….do I?"

"No that's true you do not have a dad….I don't know who he is at all, (Suguru gave a confused look) you'll understand when you are older. I want you to know that I'll always love you no matter what." A knock suddenly came to the door of the small one room apartment. "Come in" Suguru's mom said sadly.

"Ma'am you are going to have to come with us and your brother-"

"Son!" she hissed sitting up in bed.

"He'll have to go with the social worker."

"I hate the voices that haunt me all the time now." The red head spoke while looking around the bright office.

"What do the voices tell you?" the doctor asked making notes on her clipboard.

_Maybe she's drawing, you are making her bored. She could care less about you all she cares about is the money_. The red head's eyes shot up from the green carpeting that he was looking at. "He just said that you are probably just drawing on the clipboard and you are bored. But usually he says things like 'you're weak' and ' it's all your fault your family is gone.'"

The doctor took some more notes. "I see, there's only really one voice that stands out from them all?"

"Well I suppose that there is really only one to begin with but times he can take on a life of his own."

"What do you mean…'A life of it's own'?"

The red head raised up an eye brow and asked if she really wanted to know, when she nodded he raised his shirt up over his head exposing his chest. An audible gasp came out of the doctor's mouth when she saw what he was talking about. Rows upon rows of criss crossed slashes and hack marks. "This is what he makes me do…..I have no control over it."

**Flashback**

"Oni-chan!" a small voice screamed out from the doorway of the blonde haired teen's room. He woke up with a start growling at the foul sound that woke him up. "What? What the fuck do you want? Can you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"I came in to tell you that momma was leaving today for the conference and she wants you to have a happy birthday."

"Whatever twerp."

Touma thought back to earlier that week. His little sister was just that Little just a child then but now he stared at a woman far before her time. She was so tiny being five foot three and weighing only ninety-two pounds it was shocking to know that his sister was going to have a baby…..and that baby would most likely die shortly after birth since the mother is HIV positive.

"Keiko? I'm sorry about how I treated you on my birthday."

"I'm fine big brother." She stared out of her window the medicine she was on making her less hyper now. Tohma still couldn't look her straight in the eyes, he felt responsible for all this. "It's not your fault you know."

Tohma sighed a heavy sigh and sat down next to her brushing his fingers through her long emerald hair. "You know I was always jealous of this hair." He smiled.

"Really?" she turned to look into his eyes, he turned away. "I always was jealous of yours its so beautifully unique, mines olive drab. I hope my baby doesn't have my hair."

"Hope he has your eyes though."

"Hmmm, a boy?……I like that idea. I could name him Ryuichi I like that name."

Tohma laughed out loud, "Yeah only because you have the hots for Sakuma-kun."

"I do not!"

**end Flashback**

"Where are you taking mom?" Suguru asked sitting in the back of a black corvette between an elderly man and a woman no older than his mother.

"Suguru" the woman said calmingly "your momma is very sick and is unable to take care of herself alone."

"She's not alone she has me." Suguru cried out attempting to leave the car but was trapped between the two people.

"I know that you take great care of your mom but who takes care of you? Momma can't and soon you wont be able to care for her all by yourself….You'll be able to see her again."

Suguru sobbed into the woman chest, shaking terrible with every breath. "Where will I go…I don't have a dad."

"Your uncle will take you."

"Uncle?"

"Yes son." The man spoke up "We'll be taking you to live with your sister's brother Tohma Seguchi."

Today, my nephew is moving in with me. I've actually never met him, 11 years and his mother my baby sister had kept him away from me but now she has no choice in the matter she's going to die.

_This is a bad idea. You have no clue about this child and you have no time to deal with some delinquent._

I was a delinquent, if he's one I can deal with it. Anyways I love my sister and even though she holds this against me I will care for her son, as if he was my own.

_Right and when he starts to cause trouble with your band you'll kick him out just like you did with that other boy._

Don't you dare bring him into this, it's totally different he had a mother to go back to. This one doesn't.

Tohma kept the fighting between him selves until the doorbell rang out.

"Coming!" He called straightening his hat as he trudged through the spacious hallways.

"Konnichiwa." He greeted the two social workers who stood on either side of a small green haired boy with brown eyes that knew belonged to his sister.

"Seguchi-san?" the woman asked she was no older than Keiko with straight black hair down to her waist.

"Hai." He responded.

"Seguchi-san we are here to bring your nephew Suguru Fujisaki. You will be his legal guardian until further notice."

"Right." He said staring at the small boy in front of him he noticed just how much he looked like Keiko except his hair it was green but with more brown than emerald in it. "Konnichiwa Suguru-kun, I'm your uncle Tohma you'll be living with me is that alright?"

Suguru stared wide-eyed at Tohma, he had never met him before and his mother barely spoke of him. "Hai. Tohma-san?"

Tohma smiled. "Nani? You can call me Uncle Tohma if you want."

"I want to go back to see momma." Tohma looked heart broken from the small boy on the verge of tears to the duo of social workers. The social workers shook their heads 'no' said their good-byes then left for their car, leaving Tohma alone in the doorway with a tearful child.

_Yeah great job baka._

Shut up!

A/N: sorry on how short my chapters are I will try to make them longer in the future but right now I think that it's best to leave it here. Yes I do know that the story is confusing right now but I promise I'm not going to be switching back and forth between present and past I'll stay solely in the present with maybe only a few peeks into why all this junk is going on mostly why Keiko dislikes her brother now. Oh, yeah Keiko hasn't died yet so maybe poor Suguru will be able to see her.

TTFN


	3. Falling Off the Moon

Young Suguru strolled around his new room alone. Running his fingers over his bed roll and dresser. "Sorry about the bed roll I didn't have the time to get you a Western style bed like mine." Suguru jumped at Tohma's voice and turned to face him a small smile on his face.

"That's fine Tohma-san I sleep on a bed roll at home." Tohma felt his heart wrench and sat down on the floor pulling his nephew down with his so that they would be on the same eye level. "Suguru, we'll get you a new bed at the end of the week, this is your home now and I want you to be comfortable. What ever you need don't hesitate to ask."

Tohma got up and left the room.

_Smart Tohma how are you going to deal with this kid?_

He's great he's my family and that means everything to me now.

_It never use to._

A week or so later Suguru sat quietly on the floor of his room playing with his G.I. Joe doll (fine action figure 'cough' doll)

"Oi, Suguru, how would you like to go out for a ride?"

"Where?" Suguru asked his uncle not even bothering to look up.

"Someplace fun….but this is going to be a game so I can't tell you I have to blindfold you then I will give you clues on the way over."

"Fine"

Once in the car Suguru in the passenger side front seat pulling at the blindfold as the small sports car sped through downtown Tokyo.

"Are we going to someplace I've been before?"

Tohma shook his head. "Nope,"

"Will I get to buy soemthing there." His newest pass time has been draining his uncle's bank account. Tohma laughed. "Yes if you like. Here we are blindfold off." Suguru's eyes widened when he looked out of his window. "A music store?"

Tohma's smile widened. "Well I know that you have been listening to Nittle Grasper's instrumental cd. I thought that you may want to learn how to play piano, like me."

Suguru thought for a moment. "Like you? You think that I want to be like you! What on earth gives you that idea? I never want to be like you. To abandon his family when they need him the most. And yes I have heard what happened with you and Noriko-san. My mother's best friend."

"Suguru what th-"

"Leave me alone!" Suguru yelled storming out of the store, The sales clerk staring blankly at Tohma's shocked face.

"Um uh dude arent you going to go out and find him?"

_Yeah Tohma-kun aren't you? I told you this boy was going to be trouble just like the last one but I was wrong this one is worst_. Tohma shook the voice out of his head, and breezed out of the store in a full run. "Suguru!" he called running down the street. "Suguru damnit. Get your ass back here."

Suguru bolted up the street in tears. "I never want to be like him" he wailed running head first in to a tall body. "Ow"

"Watch where you are going. Hey….do I know you?" the stranger asked the shivering young boy. "I don't think so sir." "Yeah I do, your momma wanted me to find you." The stranger grined. "Really?" Suguru's eyes where filled with tears. The stranger smiled sweetly. "Yes. She wants me to take you to her" He reached out his hand for the young boy. "Come on she's expecting you."

"You know what sir. I don't think this boy knows you at all." A voice came from behind Suguru. "Oh really and who are you his daddy?" the stranger laughed. "No just a friend." Up until now Suguru was to scared to look behind him but when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder his round eyes peered up into the face of his 'savior' "S-Sakuma-san?" A big goofy smile dance upon Sakuma's face. "Yup! Let's take you home I'm sure Tohma-kun is worried sick."

_See a month and you lost him……well at least you can say the he abandoned you unlike the last time._ Damnit can you stop bringing him up? _The only reason why you say that is because you know it's all your fault_. No it isn't! Tohma fought mentally with his innerdemon. Running back into house and into the bathroom where he locked the door, pulled open the medicine cabinet and proceded to break apart his disposable razor until there was just a shiny piece metal left. Picking it up he bent it alittle bit under his fingers watching it as the light reflected off of it._ Do it. Come on I dare ya_! The voice nagged him over and over again until he couldn't take it anymore. He quickly moved the blade down in four liquid movements wincing at the pain that it brought him. Blinking as if he had no clue of what he had just done he dropped the razor into the trash and watched the blood slowly bubble and then stream down his arm. _Atta boy_. The voice congradulated him like it did every time he gave in.

"Tohma-kun? I've got something for you!" Ryuichi Sakuma waltzed into his bandmates house calling out in a sing-song fashion to alert his friend of his enterance. "You got five seconds to get the hookers out of the house or else you will have to share." Ryu giggled moving closer to Tohma's room holding onto Suguru's hand. "Ima coming in!" Pushing open the door Ryu was horrified at the sight before him. Blood, everywhere it wasn't in large amounts but it was smeared on the silk bed covers the walls the floor every place imaginable. "Tohma?" Ryu let go of Suguru's hand. "Suguru.go to the living room and stay there until I come get you." Suguru obeyed leaving Ryuichi to search the bedroom and attached bathroom. 'The bathroom' he thought of how dumb he had been not to think of checking the bathroom. "Tohma?" he rounded the corner preparing himself for the worst. "Tohma?" Images of a mangled Tohma in the tub was flashing before his eyes. "Tohma?" his voiced cracked opening up the door………but it was empty. No sign of him anywhere. A sigh of relief sounded throughout the room. 'But then where is he?' Eyes wandered around thelarge bedroom again. The closet was torn to shreds and the curtians hung askew on the open window…..open window. Ryu rushed to the window seeingthe blood that was smeared onto the framing. 'Shit' he thought. Climbing out of the window onto the first and lower part of the roof with no sign of Tohma. 'shit shit shit' Ryu repeated over and over when he looked up the the second and much higher part of the roof onto one of the gables. Tohma sat there legs dangling over the sides of the building slightly slumped over leaning on the satellite dish. 'Shit, I'm going to have to climb up there aren't I?' "Tohma!" he called trying to make the other man respond…nothing. "Tohma!" a little more urgent. "You are going to make me climb up there and get you aren't you?" still no answer unless you count what came next an answer. Tohma's head lulled over causing his entire body to shift towards the edge. 'Shit' Tohma's lifeless body arched forward falling hard onto the lower roof on the other side away from where Ryu was standing even if Ryu ran there was no way he could have stoped what happened next. The red headed keyboardist's body silently slide down the metal roof onto the ground 10 feet below him.

A/n: Ah! I hate writing short chapters but I always want to leave off at a cliff hanger type place…..But of course if I write shorted chapters (this is the way my mind works) I'll think of more things to write and then there fore update faster! Maki Murakami still owns these characters. Umm I apologize greatly to the Tohma fans out there for #1 making him a red head. And #2 doing that to him :points up to the last part of the chapter: I wanna give a huge THANK YOU! To my reviewer who made me feel soo loved. Hope you enjoy what else there is to come. Again I am sorry for how short the chapters are but expect a new chapter by Tuesday. (it would be sooner but I have to start my new job! Money!) I still hope to update at east twice a week until work, school and theatre pulll me away which will be in only like two weeks. So until next week. Check out my other one shot fic (unless peoples wants me to write more on it) and check out my favorite stories and authors.

LOVE YA'LL!


	4. New Hopes

"What the hell was he thinking! He could have died. I mean mixing Oxycondon with that much alcohol….he's gonna wish he was dead." Noriko sat in an uncomfortable waiting room chair holding a sleeping toddler in one arm and holding a little boys hand who was wide awake staring at the wall in front of him.

"He left a note." Ryu said quietly. "He what? What did it say?"

Ryu looked down at his hands. "You know the usual. I'm very sorry that I have done this to you all. I love you the whole Tohma suicide note thing." "What number is this one anyway?" Ryu sighed. "You mean since we knew him or just this year?"

"This year."

"Number four. Something's wrong. I thought that having Suguru there all the time would keep him in line but this was probably the most serious attempt since he was 16."

"Well if you think about it Ryu , what happened 11 years ago when he was 16?"

Ryu thought for a second. "Keiko got raped and had Suguru."

Noriko nodded. "Keiko is my best friend, Tohma meant everything to her and she meant everything to him he was devastated when he found out. Now she has been sent off to some hospice thing to get her ready to die I don't think I could deal with that."

"She always thought it was his fault."

"I know."

"I wanna go back to momma." Suguru said sitting between a blonde man and a dark haired man.. "Tohma-san doesn't want me here anymore." It had been two months since he had left his mother's house and he had no clue where she was or if even she was still alive .

The blonde man looked to his partner. "Saki we have to do something for lil Sugie" Saki shook his head. "Tohma would approve if we took him there. I can't go against my boss hunny." The blonde man swerved the speeding car over to the side of the road. "Saki" he said dangerously wielding a small handgun towards his lover's face. "I don't give a damn about a grudge that Tohma has against his sister. I believe in doing what's right, a child has the right to go see his mother before she dies."

"B-but shacho."

"Damnit 'shacho' is in a coma has been for a month we have been caring for Suguru and we have this right"

"Alright." Sakano gave up not wanting K to get even madder and actually pull the trigger in front of the small boy they have been caring for since Tohma's "accident".

"Alright" K grinned placing the gun back onto the dash. "Sugie we are going to go see your momma." Suguru gave a tear-filled smile.

My dearest friends,

I know I'm doing it again but it's really the only thing that I can do. Everyday it has been getting harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror knowing at I have caused most of you pain in one way or another. The voices haven't stopped for eleven years and I have had just about enough of him with the taking over of my body and doing these things to me that I would never do one my own and you all know this. Sugie I'm sorry that I couldn't get you to see your mother before all this happened. I know she still hates me for what I did to Nori abandoning her and our son and also for what happened when I was 16. I'll admit it was all my fault. I wish I had the right to tell you that everything will be alright and that you are wanted by your father but I do not know for sure how he feels about this-" Ryu read the rest of the note in silence sobbing ever so often remembering all the dumb things that they did as teens. Tohma wasn't the only one who's to blame for everything.

K and Suguru walked down the halls of a sterile white building. It was cold in every sense. And the lingering scents of disinfectant and death dusted against their nostrils. "Mister K? I know that mom is very sick and dying but why does she have to be in this terrible place." It hurt K to hear words like that come out of such a young child that he now cared for as his own. "I don't know Sugie but I guess they think that it is for the best, ah. Here we are room 313." K led Suguru into the cold white and gray room.

Suguru's eyes rested upon his mother's. he hadn't seen her in two months and she didn't look like she did before. Her emerald green hair now dull and knotted from laying down all the time. Her skin was pale and almost translucent, she was so skinny she looked like a skeleton, her eyes were dull and sunk in. She breathed slowly as if it pained her to do so and try and last a little longer. She was awake though and her eyes rested onto Suguru. Her smile was weak but she showed how happy she was to see him. And took his arm in a hug. "How has my baby been?" She almost cried in the joy of seeing him. "I'm fine momma but how are you?" "Holding on baby just for you. And who is this you are with?" she asked seeing the tall blonde American. "oh. This is Mister K he and his friend Sakano-san are taking care of me while uncle Tohma is in the hospital." "Really." She looked at K. "Why is Tohma in the hospital."

"I can tell you that madam." K walked a step closer taking the seat next to the bed. "You see, last month he and Suguru had a fight about playing the piano I guess." Keiko's eyes drifted down to her white sheets. "My brother tried to kill himself again didn't he." K nodded "That baka! He was entrusted with my child and in a month tries to commit suicide over some dumb thing like the keyboard. Damn it that ass is so stupid……So Mr. K you and your friend have been taking care of my son?"

"Yo, doc man how is he?" Ryu sat up when a thirty something year old doctor came into the room. "Still in the coma but breathing and everything on his own now. This is the third time I have met Seguchi-san the first time I met him I was a med student a huge fan of you guys' band Sakuma-san his sister came in 11 years ago and then a few months after that he came in cause he slit his wrists and tried to drown himself, happy to say there that he made a complete recovery and went into counseling and only had minor self mutilation problems but this is the worst that I have seen him the mixture of the drug and the booze seemed to have caused a brain shortage giving him a lack of oxygen to the brain. I highly doubt that Seguchi-san will every recover and come out of his coma. This is the hardest news that I have had to give I was a great fan of Nittle Grasper since the beginning. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you I guess."

"Of course I'll leave you be would you like me to call anyone like his sister?"

"No thank you."

"Momma, I've missed you so much isn't the sun light wonderful?" Suguru wheeled his mother around the courtyard of the building showing her all of the beautiful flowers of the summer time. "Yes sweetie, its lovely."

K came barging out of the double doors. "Suguru, Keiko-san! I just got a call from Sakuma-san. Tohma just suffered form some kind of heart thing with like exploding blood veins and what ever I couldn't make it all out from Ryuichi's cries but what I did get was that Tohma just died."

A single tear fell down Keiko's pale sunk in face and Suguru just clung to his mother. K came and scooped both up into a gentle hug calming down the small child and giving Keiko support as well.

For three years Suguru lived with K and Sakano. He found out many things from the two men like that K had been married to an actress and together they had a son Michael that he never saw because Judy (K's wife) found being gay a terrible environment and to shield her son away from it like the black plague. Sakano he shortly found out was a very nevous man especially around K cause K loved guns carried one around with him all the time.

Suguru visited his mother every single day after school and told her all about the new life with the couple and how he was now thinking about joining Nittle Grasper since Ryuichi had asked him personally. His mother had warned him to be careful since he was still very young any she knew Ryuichi (who came once and a while to apologize greatly for everything that her dearly departed brother had done to her.) She knew that he got drunk easily and didn't have much common sense sober. Yes, Suguru had learned to play the Keyboard as good if not better than his Uncle.

A/N: Okay that's all right now Thursday if writer's block isn't that bad I post another chapter since they are still pretty short. As always Maki Murakami own the rights to all, and yet again I have to say gomen to the Tohma fans out there cause he died. I wanna thank my reviewers thank you so much you guys help me know that I can sorta write something enjoyable. The next chapter will deal with the next three years until he's 16 when loads of junk happen. Some good loads bad, poor kid.


	5. Birthday call

Being thirteen gives a child a whole new outlook on life. When he and/or she reaches that age he and/or she is able to see PG-13 movies by themselves, will become more interested in the opposite sex and will experiment with new and unusual things. Thirteen year old Suguru Fujisaki was no exception well, in more things than others. The whole movie thing is a give-in, but slowly after entering 8th grade he became aware of the same sex. Sugru never classified himself as gay or bisexual he just didn't find girls that interesting in fact he thought that they were a tad to into themselves. (A/N: I have nothing against girls these are just most of the girls that I went to junior high with.) There was one girl though that he found to be a hoot to hang out with and her name was Reji she was tall (well taller that Suguru) hot and if needed very very threatening. The two quickly became friends the year before at a record release party for Nittle Grasper.She had a hard time believing that he was the keyboardist for a band of thirty year olds and he had a hard time believing that she was the American Rep for N-G Records (something that Tohma's inheritance bought for everyone).

Being thirteen also meant that the child is supposed to try new and different things. Suguru was in a rock band so he couldn't play around with the music thing. He didn't dare to play around with sex in fears of catching something like his mother had but he did dye his hair black, started embracing the wiccan practices and dressing in all black. While onstage his attire differed greatly compared to Ryuichi and Noriko they had sexy playful stage wear but not Suguru he stood behind his keyboard in black fishnet, leather, spiked jewelry and severe black makeup.

One thing that never changed with him was that he always visited his mother everyday at times bringing Reji along who Keiko thought would make the perfect girlfriend for her son but was greatly disappointed when Reiji told everyone that she was a lesbian.

Two days before Suguru's fourteenth birthday he got a startling phone call.

"Hello?"

"Hi is this Suguru Fujusaki?"

"Yes" Suguru slowly said not knowing where this call was going.

"Oh good my name is Ma-kun, and I have been looking everywhere for you. How is everything?"

_Who is this guy and why is he acting as if he knows me? _"I'm fine sir how are you?"

"Don't be so formal I know your mother."

"Go on."

About 15 minutes later Suguru was hanging up the phone as K was walking by. "Who were you talking to?"

"Does it matter?" Suguru said quietly.

"Yeah cause if it was a toll call I would hope that I had taught you to dial it collect." He smiled brandishing his gun that he was polishing.

"Don't worry he called me."

"Who?"

Suguru's eyes wandered around the spacious room. He bit his lip trying to staunch back tears.

"My father's cousin."

Never knowing who your father is, never an easy thing to deal with. Knowing that a person your mother knew and trusted hurt her that was and then she had you is even harder. 14 years and Suguru had finally dealt with his problems with not having a real father he didn't care then who his real father was all he needed to know was that he had a mother who loved him no matter what and that he had Mr. K and Sakano to care for him. Now though after fourteen years Suguru's father's cousin calls to say hi and wish him a happy birthday. Ma-kun didn't even tell him who his father was not by name atleast but he did find out that he was a musician too. A lead singer to a local band.

For his birthday Suguru had a huge bash and invited mostly everyone he knew including Ma-kun, he didn't know who is father was so he couldn't invite him but Ma-kun was family and maybe could tell him more about his father.

"Happy Birthday Sugie!" Reiji smiled giving the grinning birthday boy a kiss on the cheek. He blushed noticing his mother's eyes smiling at him. She had been getting worst for the past few years and Suguru knew that it could be anytime now, so he tried to make everyday wonderful for her.

"Hey everybody!" Reiji yelled standing on the picnic table. "I want you to meet someone very special to me. Her name is Yuki, well that's her last name but I think it's cute." She smiled dragging the blonde girl up onto the table and gave her a big hug. Yuki's face reddened and silently waved her hand in greeting. "Happy Birthday Suguru. I got you this I hope you like it I didn't really have a lot of money so I had to make it." Suguru opened the small box taking out a necklace with a star pendant. "You made this?" he questioned marveling at the craftsmanship of the metal star with a blue stone. "Yeah." Yuki blushed. "It's a replica of the Albion's Pentacle (1), I saw it in a magazine and thought that you may like it."

"Thanks" he smiled putting on the necklace then giving the girl a huge hug. "I love it!"

"Okay we're next!" called a loud booming voice from the doorway. K was standing wearing the most outrageous outfit. Sakano stood with the video camera facing Suguru's surprised face. "I know Sugie a tad over the top isn't he this year I told him that a pink bunny rabbit was too childish." Suguru smiled. The camera moved over to Keiko who's eyes were full of life at the moment, "Kuma-chan! K, you baka you are dressed up as Ryuichi's stuffed rabbit. My son is not a child." Everyone laughed.

"Suguru! We as in me and Saki's wallet would like you to introduce you to your brand new, internet ready laptop."

Everyone's eyes bugged. "What?" both Suguru and his mother blurted out while K had one of his goofy smiles Sakano fainted at the sudden outburst. Ma-kun until then hadn't even allowed anybody to know that he was there but when Sakano fainted his instinct from his nights at the hospital took over. He rushed out to pick Saki up and place in out of the bright sunlight under the tree, next to Keiko.

Keiko's eyes met Ma-kun's. "Ma-kun what are you doing here?" she glared. She did not look happy one little bit. Suguru noticed at once from his mother's harsh tone. "Momma I invited him he's my father's cousin he's family. I wanted him here he's the only link to my father that I have. I have so many unanswered questions."

"Sugie?" her eyes were watery he hated seeing her like this he never wanted her upset at him it just wasn't right but this meant a lot to him. "Sugie for 14 years you never cared about who your father was-"

"Yes I did mother. I always have I hate being a bastard child. I hated going over to my friends houses and they either had dads there or knew who they were at least. I never knew that. I hate both of you for doing this to me. I know you know who my father is I know that YOU know also Ma-kun" the name spilling from his lips as if it was poison and ready to kill. "I can never forgive you from keeping that from me. Ma-kun y has it taken so long for you to get in touch with me. You can't tell me that it has taken you 14 years to track down someone who has been living in the same town his entire life and someone who was in a world famous band. Damnit you guys I am 14 years old I have a right to know these things.! Thank you everyone for your presents they are wonderful now please leave me alone!" Suguru pounded up the stair past Kuma-K, not even noticing the calls from Reiji and Yuki.

A/N: Wrote this baby in a hurry cause it's Thursday night 9:20 pm I am late. I'll maybe only write one chapter this week. Work, school, drama and friend problems are really taking up my time, note to self don't continue to be friends with an ex that you still have feelings towards especially if said ex starts dating his female friend of four years two months before he breaks up with you it's just messy. Alright I am done complaining about my life right now so who is Sugie's daddy remember it may not be someone tied to Ma-kun in the anime or manga since this is an AU. Yuki is not Eiri Yuki but is Yuki-sensei's little sister/brother. She is a girl in this one. Reiji and Yuki are like 16 years old. Right now yes two years older than Sugie. That's all right now hope you like this chappy cause I think that it is an interesting story line.

1. the Albion's Pentacle long worn by Wiccans later adopted by the Christians as the emblem of Sir Gawain, the English pentacle. (Found at if you wish to see exactly what it looks like.)


	6. Pink Bunnies, Tears and a rouge monk

"Are we ready to RAWK?" Noriko screamed out backstage at Zepp Tokyo.

"Yeah."

"What's wrong Sugie-kun Na no da?"

"Nothing Ryu-chan I'm still kinda upset that I yelled at mom last week."

"Have you spoken with your mother recently."

"No, I haven't."

"I'll take you tomorrow maybe it would be better if I came with you."

"Suguru! Na no da! Come up to the balcony and watch my cousin's band it's their first show here."

"Alright." Suguru smiled a Ryuichi's kindness. "Your cousin?"

"Yeah!"

The lights dimmed a roar of the crowd as three dark figures slinked onto the stage. Purple and red lights flashed and came up onto a man in leather pants and vest. He was around the same age as Ryuichi.

"Hi everybody!" He yelled into the mic. "We're ASK and we're going to be opening this show for you! So sit back and I promise that a better band will be out soon.!" The dark haired man grinned, then the keyboardist struck up a haunting beat. Suguru loved it! The lights came up onto the entire stage and he gasped when he saw who was playing the keyboards…long blonde hair and bright bluish greenish eyes….it was Ma-kun.

Wait Ryu said that his cousin was in the band and Ma-kun said that my father was his cousin and in a band so maybe….but there are two other guys in the band so it could be anyone of them.

"Sugie." Ryu whispered leaning up to Sugie's ear. "We need to get into place."

"Right." Suguru jumped back to reality…_Nah, Ryu could not have done that to my mom. _

"Hi momma." Suguru quietly said walking into his mom's room, she was far worst now compared to how she was at his party. "Feeling like crap?"

Keiko smiled…"Nah, crap feels better than this maybe death warmed over." She still had to be a comic she could not take making her little boy sad.

"Hey Kake!" Noriko bounced over and put a hand over Keiko's. "So death warmed over?" Nori raised an eyebrow.

"Hey mom I saw this really cool band last night they opened for us they're called ASK."

Keiko had a huge (but weak) smile on her face. "Really they were that good to get a 'cool' out of you? That must be some band."

"yeah Ma-kun is in the band and guess what….he plays keyboards like me!"

"Really! Hey Nori babe? Can I talk to my son alone."

Nori understood what was going on and left with out a word.

"What is it momma?"  
"I'm not gonna make it through the week It's full blown AIDS, it has been for a number of years and I wouldn't tell you. I want to talk to you about this before I leave." Suguru was silently crying tears streaming down his face. "I think that you should know what really happened 14 years ago. I was 13 and a bunch of girls and I thought that it would be fun to go out walking the streets at night. Pick up older guys have them buy us stuff. My best friend and I went off on our own after Mika and Ayaka went home…they were always goodie goodies. Well we went down to the we used to call it the Red District…Yeah we both knew that it was very very dangerous and that there were Pimps and their Whores and other unthinkable things. We went anyway. We ran into three guys out partying God were they high before we ran into them I guess they were popping Oxycondon. There was only really one guy who really liked Nori but the other two bought me a meal and chocolates. I foolishly accepted when they both invited me back to their car. One of the guys slammed my head into the car door, knocking me senseless but not out cold. I knew everything that was going on. They each took their turns with me then at the same time. One of those two men is your father."

"Ma-kun's cousin."

"Right, But he has this huge family all boys. It's almost impossible to figure it out."

"Was Nori-chan alright that night?"

"I didn't know this at the time she didn't tell me until a few years later but she also got raped and ended up pregnant she was lucky though that guy wasn't infected. Have you ever noticed something? Who Nori's oldest son looks like?"

"Tohma."

"Tohma loved Nori-chan but the stress of having a child was overpowering and he kicked her out when her son was just a baby."

"Wait Nori has two kids younger than me and Ben is the father."

"Her other son was put op for adoption she couldn't handle it."

"I regret it everyday. I wish that I was strong like your mother Suguru she kept you with out any help from the father." Noriko stood in the doorway.

"I'm sorry Nori-chan maybe I can help you find him. Mom once you said that you knew the guy who raped you who was he?"

Mom was silent. "Mom?…Momma?.. Dangit answer me momma!" Tears streamed freely down his face as he looked at his mother's closed eyes. He looked over to he monitor that was always silent, a single line drew across it. "Momma!" He cried harder until he was hoarse.

The service was lovely so many people came to give their respects at the Kyoto temple where Keiko's ashes were scattered, it was a small family run temple owned by some friends of the Seguchi family. The head monk performed the prayers and allowed family members and friends to speak of our memories of her….Nori-chan spoke of the time when Tohma's bike tire was flat and Keiko figured out how to make a patch out of bubble gum and silly string but still knew that soon the substance would get sticky and runny and stick to his tire causing him to fall. Keiko always told that story to anyone who would listen since her brother was three years older and supposed to be the smart one of the two and she outsmarted him that time.

K got up and told about Suguru's 13th birthday when he was dressed up like a kumagoro (like he does every year) and Keiko thought that it was so great she made Suguru tape her getting a piggyback ride from the American all around the backyard.

Later that night everyone left to get back to the city but Suguru , K, and Saki stayed in Kyoto for a small vacation since they had never taken one. The temple was warm and inviting and they were allowed to stay for the rest of the week.

Everyone was asleep but Suguru he sat on a large rock on the side of the pond, thinking and crying remembering his mother who he now missed greatly and felt awful about the last few weeks.

"Hello Fujisaki-san." A voice came from behind him. "I'm very sorry about your mom. My mom died last month so I know how you feel…by the way my name is Tatshua. Tatshua Uesegi." Suguru remembered the boy from earlier that day he was around the same age as he and was learning about being a monk. Suguru turned to face the boy who before was wearing monk's robes but now was in a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Tatshua was breath taking for some strange reason that Suguru couldn't muster he felt light headed. "I can't believe that I'm sitting next to a member of Nittle Grasper! I'm a big fan of yours and the band." Suddenly the alarm on Tatshua's watch went off. "Dang! Sorry I have to go it's getting late and I uh promised that I would meet a buddy downtown."

"Ummm alright."

"Sorry hey I'll take you out tomorrow kay? My treat." Tat smiled shutting the door behind him.

"Damn, sonovabitch!" K-san muttered as he stumbled through the unfamiliar temple. It was really early in the morning but he had heard someone or something moving around where they weren't supposed to be and he (being the nice guy that he was) was going to stop the perpetrator. "Who's there?" he called whispering into the darkened room pistol drawn and pointed towards the open window.

"Did I wake you sir?" the shadow over by the chair asked.

"Yes." K hissed. "And sent my husband into hysterics he thought that someone was breaking in and would kidnap Suguru."

"Sorry sir I'm usually a lot more quiet your not going to tell my sister are you she's a lot more scary even then you with that gun there. By the way my name is Tatshua."

"K…..you're that kid monk that helped Uesegi-san with Keiko's service you did a lovely job."

"Thank you." Tatshua replied sitting down on the sofa that took up most of the living room. "Was Keiko like your sister K-san?"

K took a seat next to the boy but didn't put his gun away. "No notice something you nit Keiko was Japanese can you figure out what country I am from?" he asked in a voice that sounded like he was talking to a four year old.

"You're American aren't you?"

"Yes. Now can I ask you a question. Why was a nice teenage monk like you out all night long and then you sneak back into the temple looks to me and trust me I know about what teenage boys do I was one and so I'm guessing that you were out with a girl getting in a whole bunch of trouble."

"Wrong K-san I wasn't with a girl."

"Then why do you smell like sex. (a/n: K is a very in your face person who doesn't really care is something is his business like right now.) You do, you know big time. If you weren't with a girl then a guy?"

"Fine you wanna know just between you and me?"

"Yes."

"I'm a-"

"He was meeting a friend they went to a movie those places smell real bad you know." A voice from behind the duo stated. "He told me."

K turned around to face the young voice. "Suguru. Did I wake you?"

Suguru laughed. "No Saki did wanted to make sure that no one kidnapped me, he said that some one was inside the house and he sent you out to figure it out and since I didn't hear any gun shots I thought that something might have happened."

"Something happen to me?….bah! Never, I have never been in trouble. I am the fastest gunslinger in Japan!" K said proudly patting the pistol as if it was a beloved pet.

"It's because he is the only gunslinger in Japan." Suguru leaned over to Tatshua and whispered. "Well, my older brother shot someone before we aren't supposed to mention it but he killed his tutor while he was living in America it was like six years ago now."

"You have a brother?"

"Yes but father doesn't like anyone mentioning him. He's kinda the black sheep of the family and father is slightly ashamed of him."

Suguru's eyes widened _Ashamed of his own flesh and blood?_ He wondered if his mother was ashamed of him befriending Ma-kun and joining Nittle Grasper, she never liked either of them. "What did he do? Can I ask?"

"Yeah sure actually don't tell father or Mika but I'm really proud of him he got out of here before father made him become a monk. Eiri my brother is a writer he writes romance novels."

"Well I can see why your father doesn't like that-" K commented.

"It just wasn't that K-san my brother is gay, Lives in Tokyo with his boyfriend. He hasn't visited in four years."

"Four years? Hey maybe sometime you want to come stay with me in Tokyo we can go visit Eiri if you'd like."

"Thanks."

"Yeah, I don't think that's right of your father, Tatshua, to not wish to see his own child just because he's gay. I am gay, I'm proud of it. And your father should be proud that your brother is happy no matter what his personal beliefs are."

A/N: And I end that chapter there since I have no clue where I am going anyone have any ideas? I do know who the father is and how I want this to end but right now, I have no clue where I am going. ERGH! So thank you reviewers making me happy. Now there is a reason why the talk with his mother made no sense when she was talking about Noriko okay? I'll tell you later…when I figure it out. But yes, Tohma was the high guy that took notice to Noriko, that night in the Red District.

If anyone has any ideas on where you would like this fic to go just drop me a like at tohmayukitohmaseguchi. and I'll figure something out with those. Thank you and LOVE to all!


	7. not a new chapter

Hey this is not a chapter update this is just to tell my readers that I will not be able to update until July at the earliest. This weekend is my Birthday, I have to work and the 24-26 is Portcon Maine that I am attending..I will link to my pictures from my profile page as soon as I can...So look for me in July and have a great rest of June.


	8. Revelations

Disclaimer: Hello again long time no post! Well right now I have this chapter and the opening of the next chapter written down so you might be getting two updates this week...LUCKY PPLS!

Hello to my Reviewers I love you guys sooooo much. Thankies! Umm I dont really remember where we left off so just read the last chapter if you can't remember. Sorry.

At this time I wish to remind you that this is a work of complete fiction using the chracters from Maki Murakami's Shonen-ai manga Gravitation I gain no money from this story. I have no clue on where I am going with this story I only know how I want it to end. I would like to remind you all (or update) on the WARNINGS that this is infact an "M" rated story it contains teen pregnacy, cutting hints, death/suicide, drug use, yaoi/yuri hints, violence and scenes of slight torture. So you youngins please for the sakes of your innocent eyes and fragile minds turn back now and leave the Gravitation area go read some harmless Pocket Monster story or better yet Disney. Note: Suguru is now 16.

Now for all of you who are still here the next chapter in the on going series called Voices of the Lost:

"We're losing him Sakano-kun. Everyday he becomes more and more distant to everyone around him. I'm down right scared for him."

"I know." Sakano sighed slipping beneath the covers of the king sized he and his husband share. "I don't know what to do K. I'm trying my best to keep this family together. I don't know if I can do everything anymore!" Saki settled in next to K resting his head onto his husband's bare chest.

"I love you. More than anything Saki, if there is anything I can do just tell me."

"I love you, and Suguru so, I hope he knows how much he means to all of us, you, me, Reji and Yuki. Those two girls have enough things to deal with but they drop everything for him. Their relationship is falling apart cause of Reji's sibling love towards Suguru."

"I know Koi. I know." K whispered kissing the top of Sakano's head. A small tear sliding down his face.

Scene change

Tap, tap went the keyboard of Suguru's leptop. "The art of negotiation and persuasion" typed into Google's search engine, a .44 Magnum sat on top of the desk next to the laptop.

It was well past midnight when the lights from Suguru's room turned off. He didn't go to bed though, instead he got dresses in normal streetwear grabbed the gun and left, leaving no note only a few drops of blood on his desk.

His intoxicated body shook as he stumbled through downtown Tokyo to an apartment he knew too well, but only visited once.As he reached his desination he pressed the small button that anounced his arrival.

"Who is it?" a male voice called from beyond the large grey door.

"It's Suguru..Can I come in?" The door flew open revealing a slightly disheveled Ma-kun. "Sugie what's--" Before he could finish he was staring down the barrel of the Magnum.

"Hello Ma-kun." Suguru slightly sang out. "I have a few questions to ask you. First though we are going to play a game." He pushed the gun harder between the confused blonde's eyes forcing the two inside of the small room. "SIT" the green haired rockstar barked retrieving about three years of parachute cording from his coat pocket.

"What- what are you doing." Ma-kun questioned sitting down.

"I'm going to tie you up...It makes the game loads more fun!" He grinned showing his perfect white teeth. "Now there are five parts to this game. Blunt, sharp, cold, hot and loud. What shall I do first?"

About two hours later Suguru sat straddling a barely concious Ma-kun. Tossing an empty lighter aside Suguru sported a very bored expression, the blonde man however sported many bruises most just surface but a few deep ones that were a shade of dark purple already. These bruises were just the beginning, cuts of various lengths and deepness painted what normal colored skin he had left. Obviously the blunt and sharp part of Suguru's sick game were complete there was no sign of the cold but the now empty lighter on the floor and Ma-kun's burnt fingertips proved finished...Now for the loud.

"Suguru!" Ma-kun gasped out urgently. "Suguru! what are you doing. Why are you doing this?" Suguru eyed the man infront of him for a long while as if he had two heads then the greenhaired boy started laughing hysterically. "You ask me? --W-What the problem is---Why I'm doing this? I want answers that you wouldn't give me."

"Sugie...stop this you're not in your right mind"

"I w-want answers. Ma-kun." Suguru growled out placing the gun between the blonde's teeth. "You know who my father is Who is he?"

Tears slid silently down Ryuichi's pale face. The consent beeping the the heart monitor in the background.

"Ryu-chan!" Noriko came bursting into the white sterile room. "Tetsuya told me that the hospital called and said that you were here what happened?"

"Not much Nori-chan I enjoy my reglular trips to the hospital, so that they can hook me up to all these mahines, monitor my heart rate and pump drugs into my system..Yes always a well spent vacation." Ryuichi attempted a sarcastic smile.

"Aw, Ryu-chan. What's the matter...You know this is normal for you, you've been living with this for most of your life."

Ryu's brown eyes floated down to the white sheets that were over his small legs. "It's not that I realize that. But I feel so guilty for what Suguru is going through..he's so distant, he doesn't seem to care about anything anymore."

"He's just missing his mom...totally normal." she smiled sitting down next to her friend and leadsinger.

"It's been two years now. Usually people get adjusted to this."

"Suguru, wat 'ave you taken? 'is in't you please tell me so 'at I can be able to 'elp you." Ma-kun pleaded with the teen who had the gun place directly into the blonde's mouth.

"Fourteen years. You never helped me or my mother..."

"She refused my help...I wanted to help you guys I knew what happened...told her that I'd help but she wouldn't hear of it..."

"Ma-kun, please tell me who my father is." Suguru removed the gun from Ma-kun's mouth and placed it between the blonde's eyes.

"16, now almost 17 years ago on your Uncle's birthday a bunch of up guys went out. I left early, had work in the morning...They were fucked up three ways from Sunday. found your mother and Noriko-san...Tohma went with Nori. The other two guys went with your mother."

"Who were they?"

"My two idiot cousins..." Ma-kun eyed the gun infront of him. "...Ryuichi Sakuma and Taki Aizawa."

Suguru jumped up waving the gun around. "Damnit..Ryuichi? What the FUCK! That bastard! Taki's in your band isnt he? ASK? Is it him? Do I look like him?" A sly smile came over the teen's face. "Thank you Ma-kun. Now where is this Taki Aizawa-san?" He leaned over and untied his second cousin.

"Don't do anything foolish Suguru wait until you get back into your right state of mind."

"Don't be fucking stupid I'm in my state of mind...He stays at the studio alot right? I'll try there. Thank you again." Suguru went to the exit where there was a large full length mirror. he stoped a bit to look at himself in the reflections, his eyes red and smears of blood on his clothing. Looking back he could see Ma-kun behind him reaching for the phone and dialing..."Taki! Get out of there now! I'll explain late-" BANG! Blood spattered across the wall behind the fallen blonde. The gun smoking in Suguru's hand, trigger pulled. "Shit! Ah fuck...No don't be dead not dead I just wanted you injured. Fuck uh..." He wiped his prints off the Gun and placed it into Ma-kun's right hand, making it look like a suicide. and left locking the door behind him.

tbc

please review!


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